Before I decided to stop drinking, dating without alcohol was a foreign concept to me. It felt as though going to a bar or pub for a first date was a prerequisite and that alcohol was essential. Amongst my friends and me, it was even common to have a drink or two before the date, just to get a bit of “Dutch courage.” Since going sober however, I’ve realised that alcohol actually made dating a less enjoyable experience overall. I spent years dating unsuccessfully while drinking, and it was only after I stopped that dating became more fun, meaningful, and interesting.
Now that I’m able to reflect on my experience from both perspectives, here are a few things that have helped me date without alcohol.
1. Be Up Front About Not Drinking Alcohol
Being honest about your sobriety from the start is key to making the dating experience more comfortable. Initially, I assumed that mentioning I didn’t drink alcohol in my bio would act as some kind of repellant and result in me receiving zero likes or matches. However, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that the reality was quite the opposite.
After removing all the pictures of me out drinking and updating my bio to reflect my choice not to drink, I started to see a steady increase in matches. Not only that, but the matches I was receiving were more interesting and often led to genuine conversations. Through these interactions, I learned that many potential partners found the fact that I didn’t drink appealing—sometimes due to negative past experiences with partners and alcohol. What surprised me even more was that it wasn’t only sober people who were drawn to this, but also those who still drank.
Another big advantage of including this information in your profile is that it sets expectations before you even start chatting. This helps filter out people who may not be a good match and ensures that you can enjoy the date without feeling pressured to explain yourself.
2. Choose Sober-Friendly Date Ideas
Now that you’ve been open about not drinking, the next step is to plan a date that doesn’t revolve around alcohol. One misconception I had early on was that without drinks, dates would feel boring or awkward. But I quickly discovered that dates without alcohol can actually be a lot more fun, interesting, and creative.
There are countless sober-friendly date options that don’t involve sitting at a bar. Activities that allow you to engage with each other and focus on an experience together can take the pressure off, making the date feel more relaxed. One date that stands out to me was visiting a temporary exhibition about Roman society and culture—a mutual interest we shared. Another memorable date was a long summer walk along the canal, where the conversation flowed naturally as we took in the scenery.
Other ideas could include going bowling, taking a cooking class, visiting a food market, or attending a live show like comedy or theatre. If you’re still after something more traditional, you can always meet at a café for coffee or tea, or head to a restaurant you’ve been wanting to try. The key is to choose something that aligns with your personality and makes the experience enjoyable for both of you.
What I’ve found is that when you plan a date that doesn’t revolve around alcohol, you can focus more on the connection and conversation. The absence of alcohol removes the need for “Dutch courage,” and you get to know the person for who they truly are, not through the lens of alcohol. Plus, it often leaves a more memorable impression because you’re doing something unique together.
3. Build Confidence Without Alcohol
One of the biggest challenges of sober dating is managing nerves without the “Dutch courage” that alcohol typically provides. I used to rely on a drink or two before a date to help calm my anxiety and feel more relaxed, but in hindsight, this only prevented me from growing personally and having memorable, genuine dates.
Without alcohol, you’re fully present in the moment, and while this can feel daunting at first, it’s actually a positive shift. It’s completely normal to feel nervous before or during a date, and I began to use this to my advantage. It felt like a novelty to experience everything with all my senses intact, no longer dulled by alcohol. I started to trust my feelings and reactions, using them to improve my experience and remain more in tune with what was happening.
I also found it much easier to be a better listener and conversationalist when I wasn’t drinking. I could truly absorb what was being said and offer thoughtful, meaningful responses. Looking back, I shudder at the times I overshared on first dates because alcohol made me feel like it was the right thing to do. Building genuine connections takes time, and spilling past traumas within hours of meeting someone is rarely the foundation of a healthy relationship.
It’s important to remember that dating sober builds a different kind of confidence—the kind that comes from knowing you’re connecting with someone authentically. When you’re not relying on alcohol to carry the conversation or smooth out awkward moments, the experience feels more real, and the connection more genuine. Plus, there’s no risk of saying something you didn’t mean or waking up the next day with regrets.
4. Prepare for Questions About Not Drinking
Even if you’ve made it clear on your profile that you don’t drink alcohol, it’s still highly likely that it will come up as a talking point on a date. In most Western societies, not drinking goes against the norm, so curiosity can arise. It’s natural for people to ask, and it’s important to be prepared with a confident, calm response.
When I first started dating sober, I felt anxious about how to address this question. I worried it might lead to awkwardness or that I’d have to explain my entire story. Over time, I learned that how you respond sets the tone for the rest of the conversation. Personally, I’ll often say something along the lines of, “I wasn’t enjoying drinking anymore—it felt like the negatives were starting to outweigh the positives.” Depending on the situation, I’ll either expand on this or leave it at that. The key is being in control of how much you want to share, based on what feels right to you.
It’s also important to remember that how people react to your decision not to drink says a lot about them. If someone can’t accept your choice or tries to pressure you, that’s obviously a red flag. In my experience, people who respect your boundaries tend to be more understanding and supportive overall, which makes for a healthier connection.
Ultimately, being prepared for these questions allows you to feel more comfortable, and by staying confident, you’ll help the other person feel at ease too.
5. Trust Yourself and Your Instincts
One of the biggest benefits of dating sober is the ability to truly trust your instincts. Without alcohol clouding your judgement, you’re more in tune with how you genuinely feel in any given moment. This allows you to listen to your gut about the person you’re with and whether or not there’s a real connection forming.
Alcohol can sometimes give the illusion that the person you’re on a date with is compatible, when in reality, they might not be. I can recall plenty of occasions where I thought I was having a great time with someone, only to wake up the next day and struggle to explain why—beyond the fact that I’d enjoyed being drunk.
There’s a certain power in knowing that all your thoughts and actions are authentic. If the date goes well, you’ll know it’s because you genuinely clicked with the person, not because the drinks made it seem that way. On the flip side, if something feels off, you’re better able to recognise it and act accordingly without the influence of alcohol.
Learning to trust your instincts also builds self-confidence over time. The more you date sober, the more you’ll realise that you don’t need alcohol to guide your choices. Your intuition is enough. And trusting yourself will ultimately lead to deeper, more meaningful connections.
Final Thoughts
Dating without alcohol may seem unfamiliar at first, especially when so much of dating culture revolves around drinks. However, as my experience has shown, it opens the door to more meaningful and authentic connections. Without relying on alcohol, you’ll find yourself more present, more in tune with your instincts, and better able to genuinely enjoy the experience for what it is.
Being upfront about your sobriety, exploring creative date ideas, and learning to trust yourself along the way are all essential steps to building confidence in sober dating. As you navigate this journey, remember that the key is to be true to yourself and embrace the clarity that comes with dating sober.
If you’re just starting your own sober dating journey or are thinking about giving it a try, I hope what I have written here will be helpful. It might surprise you just how much more enjoyable and real your dating life can become. As always, feel free to share your experiences or reach out to me at bigcitysober@gmail.com—I’d love to hear from you.